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Home Truths



Waiting to sell your house is excruciating. Like watching paint dry.
On television it seems to take no time at all to sell and buy a house. Phil and Kirstie waltz from room to room (her in a big frock, heels and matching lipstick, him with a perma-grin) complimenting the light and airy feel. Buyers are baffled with ideas of extensions, conversions and transformations, the phone rings and SOLD!

In reality it takes forever. I have been living in real estate limbo land for quite some time now. Having sold my house pre-lockdown, it falling through mid-lockdown , I am now back to square one post-lockdown (I use the term post-lockdown loosely. Yes I know it's not over yet. And I need to watch out for the second spike that might just come back and poke me on the much larger since lockdown, bum)

When the estate agent calls and announces someone actually wants to come and view your house, as wonderful as that is, it also means you have got to complete the mother of all clean ups. Pre-lockdown this was bad, but since, it is so much worse now we actually 'live' here.

Preparing for a viewing starts off like a bad game of hide and seek.
Home learning is shoved in the microwave, toys in the fridge, excessive mounds of laundry dumped in the boot of the car. The whole day prior to the 'royal visit' is spent cleaning. Dusting, hoovering, scrubbing and spraying. Followed by strict instructions of;
"Don't get that out - we have people coming to view the house tomorrow"
"No, you can't build a den - we have people coming to view the house in an hour"
"Don't use the toilet - we have people coming to view the house in ten minutes"
The boys are under orders not to fight, not to make a mess, not to move, and actually better still not to breathe.

During a viewing, you invite strangers in to your home (cover their hands in sanitiser too these days) and begin highlighting to them every single feature of a room. The doors, the floors the architrave. Even the downstairs loo is suddenly filled with endless dull things to discuss or look at. And the viewer reacts with the obligatory slightly pleasantly surprised expression as if they have never seen such a magnificent downstairs loo in their life.

The lounge has a strategically placed rug, which my youngest son proceeds to tell the viewers is "there to cover up the stain from a bingo marker someone dropped when demonstrating how to twerk"

My feature wall, adorned with a monochrome wallpaper embellished with Indian elephants, temples and fauna, is magnificent. But I can usually tell when viewers think this looks shit.

Every home has something odd. Less quirky and more naff. Something which you can almost hear their faces saying "why would anyone want that?" Ours is a bidet in the master bedroom ensuite. Inherited when we purchased the house. And which again my youngest son feels is an essential part of the tour to explain to viewers it is to wash your bum in.

I spend most evenings scrolling through house after house on rightmove. By the time I'm in bed I'm picking out the colour scheme for my dream home, wondering if there's space for my piano and where to put the Christmas tree. I think I'm addicted.
My name is Nisha Collins and I am a rightmove addict.

Home learning this week; Textiles. How to make a face mask.









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